i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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