Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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