Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
