Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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