I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
