Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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