alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
