Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
