someone get that fucking seahorse.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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