Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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