what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
