I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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