i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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