is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
