final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
