I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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