My friends, they love my intelligence
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
