Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I am naked and annoyed.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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