Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
