i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
