my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
