So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
