i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
