Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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