Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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