We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
