woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
