hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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