Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
