Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
