he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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