my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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