Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
