She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
