I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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