i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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