Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
