I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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