Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
