I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
