What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
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Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus