the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.