She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
sex in a hospital.. check
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?