I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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