Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
