i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
