you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
