I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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