There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
