Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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