3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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