I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
