everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize