i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
