I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
