I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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