I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
