Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
