i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
