there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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