conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?