Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
