Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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