guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
