Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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